Parenting Differences: Overcompensating
Matthew 5:48
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
The Greek word for “perfect” (𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑜𝑠) in this verse means complete or mature, not flawless. It calls for spiritual maturity and a complete, mature love, not a flawless performance. We see this maturity in couples who parent well together, regardless of their preferred styles. Most learn to capitalize on their individual strengths when it comes to parenting. They may engage in a “good cop/bad cop” way of handling the children. Or they accept one another’s way of responding to the children and find a natural flow of discipline and nurturing that works for them. Once divorced, though, these same couples can become so polarized around their differences that they lose sight of the balance they used to think was acceptable. The end result is often an unrealistic expectation that the other parent should be perfect, rather than striving as co-parents for balanced, or complete, parenting.
One of the ways this expectation negatively plays out is when one parent overcompensates for the other to achieve some sort of perceived equalization for the child. In yesterday’s devotion, we looked at times when a parent might need to adjust a particular style to create more balance for the child in their two homes. That doesn’t mean you let go of your good judgment and go to extremes yourself. For example, a parent might sympathize with the children when stories are told about how strict their other parent is. The parent hearing the story, against his/her better judgment, engages in a completely permissive style in order to be the favored parent. All that does is burden the children with two extremes, instead of a much-needed balance. How do you avoid this kind of overcompensation in parenting? It starts with establishing your own values around parenting. This might seem like a simple concept, but a few factors could negatively influence this ability to be clear about personal parenting values.
1. Upbringing. If you had parents who regularly overcompensated for the other (whether they were married or divorced), it may be the only model you have to rely on. Think about how that may have made you feel as a child. It was likely confusing when your parents were not on the same page but seemed to be in competition with one another to either gain favor with you or simply to exert power over each other. That strategy is parent-centered, instead of child-centered.
